An Exclusive Interview with the Dirty Mitts

By Dr. Rug

When I made mention in my last article of the “female fans” that had been showing up to games this year, little did I realize the avalanche of emails that it would send flowing into my inbox. Within hours of the article being posted, I was being inundated with requests for more information on these groupies, hounded for introductions, and begged to include more information on them in future articles. Well folks, I have heard your pleas and being a man of the people, I shall acquiesce to your demands and focus this entire article on the Lovely Ladies of the League.

Being the quasi-celebrity that I am, when I sent an interview request to the ladies they jumped at the chance to spend an evening with me. An intimate dinner, a little dancing, a long walk on the beach and then down to business… interviews about their love of fastball and their opinions on the players and teams in the league. Due to some sensitive material in the article, names will not be used (unless they help in humiliating players from Slades). Below is a transcript of the questions I asked them along with some of the best answers and a little insight into the make-up of a fastball groupie… or as they like to call themselves, the Dirty Mitts. Without further ado, let’s get to the questions…

(Dr. Rug’s note: Anything in the quotations is directly from one of the ladies whereas everything not in quotes is my commentary on their answers)

1. How long have you been a fan of the YK Fastball league?

“This is only my second summer. I wish there were more!!”
“Since I was a kid.”
“This is the first year that I’ve started coming to games consistently.”
“Only two years but now I’m hooked and you won’t be able to get rid of me.”
“2 years.”

As you can tell from these responses, most of the ladies are relative newcomers to fastball fan-dom but they have all been hooked on the greatness of our league in the short time that they’ve been watching. Expect to see them around the ball park for years to come.

2. What (or who) first attracted you to the diamond to watch the games?

“My parents and brother played so I tagged along.”
“One fine summer evening I went to the field to pick up keys to house sit Rob Johnson’s house, ended up watching his game and got wasted. Let’s be honest, beers is the way to my heart… well that and George Strait.”
“In previous years I was a strict observer from the beer gardens.”
“The Campbell family! Had to show our support for Brian & Josh Campbell when they played for Sub-Arctic.”
“The beer gardens and the tight pants.”
“Rob and the Nexum Red Sox. Simply to show support because I think what he was trying to do in getting younger kids into the league is awesome.”
“The beer gardens… let’s be honest.”

Apparently we have Rob Johnson and the Campbell family to thank for the influx of ladies in the stands in the past couple of years. Thanks guys!!

Also with the answers to this question we get our first sighting of a couple of trends that will recur throughout the questions. Beer and the beer gardens… and tight pants. With that in mind, for any of my loyal readers out there that aren’t a part of the league, if you’re looking to attract the ladies, here’s a simple method that’s guaranteed to work.

Give them beer.
Wear tight pants.
Close the deal. (Well, unless your nickname is Flo Rida, but we’ll get to that a little further on)

3. Which team is your favourite?

“Slades are my fav team because I know the most people on the team and they are easy to chirp.”
“Scrub Arctic, we have the same taste in beer.”
“Diamondbacks with a side of Sub-Arctic. They’re just the best/most fun!!”
“Slades, I guess mostly because of Mitch???”

(I particularly enjoy the fact that she felt it necessary to include multiple question marks after the ‘Mitch’ portion of this answer as though even she can’t believe that that’s the reason she cheers for Slades)

“It used to be Slades, but after their performance in the Pirate Invitational, I have officially jumped ship to HBC.”
“Slades, I know more people on that team than any other… also I hate cheering for Couvrette (let’s be honest, he’s bringing your fan base down).”

It was apparent that most of the ladies used to be big Slades fans but it was equally apparent that due to the poor attitudes and uninspired tournament performances of late, that support is waning. Even when their answer was Slades, it was obvious that they felt the need to justify this support with qualifiers like “I hate cheering for Couvrette” or “I know more people on the team”. Slades, we are all grateful that you’ve developed the support for fastball of this beautiful group, but if you’re not careful, you’ll soon have no one left in your corner, cheering you on. It’s time for you guys to bring out your A game and win back the hearts of your fans!!!

4. Which player is your favourite?

“Danny & Mardy Graham, the 2-for-1 special. Two of them, one of me, now THAT’S special!!”
“Mitchell Madsen, even though his temper flares more often than I would like.”
“Mr. Ruggles because he has the best attitude on and off the field!! ;)”
“Mardy Graham. When he’s on his game, he’s on his game.”
“My fav player would have to be Matty Simms because I had a really weird dream about him the other night.” (I asked for more details on this dream but she wouldn’t elaborate except to tell me that he was wearing his Slades uniform and that he introduced himself as Matty Simms and not Lance in the dream)
“My favourite player is Rug. He looks like he is genuinely having the most fun out there. And Rug blows kisses and winks at us every once and a while, which help!”

Mardy Graham… Mitchell Madsen… Rug…

The most obvious conclusion that we can draw from these answers is that contrary to the popular belief that ‘chicks dig the long ball’ it seems that the reality of the matter is that chicks dig pitchers. Unless you can somehow find your way into their dreams at night like the talented Mr. Simms, the best method for becoming a fan favourite is to excel on the mound. Perhaps this explains why Mr. Ryan Strain has been sighted at Tommy Forrest in recent weeks spending his free nights trying to get his rise ball to rise.

5. What is your most memorable highlight from a game or from the beer gardens?

“The last Pirate tournament with our host Andrew Hunter!!”
“Hunter photo bombing the Pirates.”
“SK’s birthday night because all of her besties were there.”
“I love when us girls go to a game and have our own ‘beer gardens’. Fun seems to follow us.”
“Mitch doing stretches in the on deck circle.”
“When Tara won two prizes at the Pirates tourney and her skirt flew up! Pretty epic.”
“Hunter MC’ing the beer gardens on Sunday night at the Pirates Invitational and then getting called Burger Bob’s son. Classic.” (See attached photo)
“Healy running into home and letting a nice belch out right as he got in. I laughed pretty hard.”
The fabulous gentlemen in the Metallica and Gun Show t-shirts and the Guidos of N’Dilo!”

“Shot gunning when someone hit one out of the park on SK’s birthday.”
“Hunter photo bombing the Pirates was hilarious. Especially because they were trying to get the ladies to do it but then realized there was a Hunter in the beer gardens.”

Congrats to the Pirates on what was obviously a well run Pirate Invitational Tournament as most of the highlights mentioned are from that weekend. Either it was an awesome tournament or else the excessive alcohol consumption has affected the ladies’ memories and they can only remember as far back as the last time there was a beer gardens.

In addition to the Pirates, a big congrats must also go out to Andrew Hunter. His performance in the beer gardens at the Pirates Invitational was indeed legendary and we can only hope that he makes an encore appearance this weekend at the Territorials.

Before we leave this category, there was one lowlight that was mentioned in the interviews. I didn’t want to bring it up but I thought you should know so that if you see one of the ladies having flashbacks and screaming in terror this weekend, you’ll understand why.

“I saw Keegan Shea’s…”

You poor, poor thing. I think we can all sympathize with the trauma that you must be dealing with in the aftermath of such a horrible experience. I’ll buy you a beer this weekend to help you forget the pain and suffering that you are going through.

6. Who is your least favourite/most hated team?

The response to this question was overwhelming and unanimous…

“F’ing Pirates – they are far too cocky.”
“Pirates! Their egos have exploded since they won the league in 2011. Sometimes I think they forget Slades was winning the day before and was 1 out away from becoming champs before being rained out.”
“Without a doubt, the Pirates. They stink like poo.”
“I don’t hate any team but my least favourite to watch is Pirates.”

And my personal favourite answer,

“Pirates because they’re the team to beat and haters gon hate.”

I would offer some recommendations to the Pirates on how to shake their status as the least liked team in town but I think they’ve embraced that reputation. They love to be the team that’s hated and use that hatred to motivate and push their team to higher levels. So instead I’ll just tell the Pirates to keep doing what you’re doing… the fans may not like you but as Lebron, Wade and Bosh could tell you, when you’re winning titles, it doesn’t matter if the fans love you or hate you. Haters gon hate!!

7. Who is your least favourite player?

“OMG, Garrett Hinchey is the most annoying player. I wish he would pitch all the time so he would just shut up!!”
“Garrett Hinchey! Nothing against him personally, I just hate the way he chirps. Even though I know it’s part of the game, it drives me up the wall.”
“Brian Couvrette. Like you’re f**king out there Kenny Powers. Or Water Boy because he’s half retarded.”
“Garrett Hinchey’s chatter is so annoying to listen to.”
“Least favourite would have to be a toss up between Shep & Theriault. Do I really need to elaborate?”

It looks like we have a runaway leader for player who manages to annoy the fans the most. Congrats on the title Garrett, I’m sure the rest of the Hinchey clan will be proud. I think this weekend you should spend an inning or two cheering for the ladies in the beer gardens instead of your pitcher… it might swing them over to your side.

As for the runner-ups, Couvrette, Shep and Theriault? Yep, those choices do make complete sense, no elaboration necessary.

8. In your opinion, who is the best pitcher in the league?

“Best Pitcher – Michael Auge!”
“Even though he hasn’t been ‘showing up’ lately, Mitch is my fave.”
“Paul Gard. Resurrected from the dead.”
“Best pitcher would be either Mitch or Rug.”
“Mitch. When Mitch is on his game, he’s on his game.”
“Rug. I love when he throws a changeup; the look on his face of ‘haha yup, I’m still better than you’ is hilarious.”

Not surprisingly, a few different pitchers show up in the responses to this question. Equally unsurprising given the answers we’ve already covered is the fact that none of those pitchers is from the Pirates. The Pirate hate continues… but don’t worry Pirates you do have a few favourable answers coming up before the end of the article.

I also got one response to this question that didn’t really have anything to do with the “best” pitcher. I’m not sure what prompted this unprovoked shot at the nicest pitcher in the league but one of our ladies was apparently in a feisty mood.

“Cardinal is old balls. I don’t care how good he was or is, retire already!!”

Easy now… let’s take it down a notch. The Card may be old and his pitches may be slow, but he still has the nasty stuff to get in the heads of some of the best hitters in the league (see: Simms, Matt). I personally hope that the Card keeps pitching and cackling well into his 70’s.

9. In your opinion, who is the best batter in the league?

“Best batter would be ROADY!!!!!”
“Kirk Sangris for the best batter. 3 homers in one game, ‘nough said.”

(Yeah, but that was just regular season. Let’s see you hit 3 homers in one game in a tournament Kirk, that’s when the real players do it.)

“Ummm… don’t hate me but I am going to go with Ryan Strain on this one, he can park it like no other.”
“I have to say the Strain brothers. Ryan swings for the fences all the time and 8/10 times it’s out of the park. Whereas Darin is more of a strategic player, but still isn’t afraid to park it.”

(I guess the other 2/10 times are the ones like Wednesday night when Ryan is chalking up the backwards K’s)

“I guess Kirk? I don’t pay enough attention to know this shit. But ask me how many beers I’ve had and I can probably tell you to the exact ounce!!”

5 years ago I could have asked this question to every person who had ever watched a YK Fastball league game and Roady probably wouldn’t have received a single vote. This year, he’s near the top of the list. It just goes to show you kids that with a little perseverance, hard work and practice, anyone can become a good hitter. So don’t give up on your dreams Primetime, one day you too might actually learn to hit.

10. What are your favourite nicknames for players in the league?

“Matt Simms – Lance”
“Mark Whitehead – 50 Shades of Grey”
“Devon Theriault – Flo Rida”
“Nexum 2^nd Baseman (John White) – Milhouse”
“Damien Healy – Reba”

Of all of these, Lance is without a doubt my favourite (although 50 Shades is also pretty sweet). Matty, you have a new name.

11. Which player do you think is the sexiest in the league?

“HBC #17. Let me tell you, if I were 4 years younger…”
“Hessy. He makes me want to wear/buy old spice.”
“Ryan Heslep!!!!!”
“Chad Hinchey because he has a nice booty – I am a sucker for a good booty.”
“Some kid who plays for Nexum. Spencer.”
“Hands down. Hessy.”
“I would have to say the Brendan dude who played on the Slopokes during the tourney. I didn’t see him out again when I watched Slopokes play and I was quite disappointed.”

A few random people made the sexiest in the league list but one guy stood out from the rest. Mr. Heslep (aka Mr. Old Spice) the ladies of the league have spoken, for their sake you need to make it out to more games. There’s really only one player who could give you a run for your money in terms of sexiness in the mind of these ladies and you’ll have to scroll down to question 15c to find out whom that is…

12. Have you hooked up with any of the players? How many? Any regrets from these experiences?

“Devin Theriault. We made out on more than one occasion; poor guy was just so upset because I wouldn’t sleep with him.”

(Even off the diamond Flo Rida apparently drops the ball and has trouble making it past 1^st base)

“Name can not be repeated“, it was one of the best nights of my life.”
“I am pleading the 5^th on the names, my number is 2.”
“I’m going to be honest with you and the truth is – I’m a virgin.”
“Name withheld.” No regrets here.”
“You won’t believe this but I don’t think I’ve hooked up with anyone in fastball. Unfortunately!!”

There were some great answers to this question… unfortunately for the sake of some people’s reputations I’ve had to black out a few of them. Be sure to check back in on Monday, because after the beer gardens this weekend this list may expand. Speaking of which…

13. Which player(s) would you like to hook up with in the future?

“That #38 guy on HBC.”
“The good pitcher on the Diamondbacks, not the big guy that gives up all the runs, but the other guy with the sexy hair.”
“Mr. Ruggles. Mmmmm…”
“The slugger on HBC who hit 5 home runs in the Pirate Tourney. He’s sooooo dreamy.”

Ok, so maybe those weren’t quite the exact responses that I received but I’m pretty sure that a lot of the answers were very similar to those… and here’s a few more:

“None, I ain’t no dirty mitt.”
“hmmmm jailbait – Kirk Sangris, Andy Williams and Chad Hinchey”
“There is one in the works… but only time will tell.”
“Whoever puts a ring on my finger or a beer in my hand!!”

(My advice from question #2 holds true… buy a lady a beer and she’s all yours)

Despite the fact that the Pirates have received nothing but scorn from the ladies thus far in the questions, they put up a surprisingly strong showing in the future hook-up category. And it looks like we have a cougar in the making in our crowd who is stalking the young Pirates.

14. Describe the qualities and features that you look for in your ideal fastball players.

“Someone that can fill out those tight pants and hitting it out of the park helps every once in a while.”
“Hmmmm… tight pants and a booty to fill them out.
“The ability to take chirps from the gardens and give it back while still playing!!”
“Just a nice ass to fill out those pants. Is that too much to ask for?”
“I know the other girls mentioned a nice pair of buns, but I’m more of a weiner gal.”

The bottom line is that according to the ladies, the ideal fastball player requires no actual fastball skills. I guess that’s the reason why more of them cheer for Slades than any other team.

15. Are there any additional categories that I’ve missed that you’d like to add in?

The ladies themselves decided that the three categories listed below should also be included in the interviews.

a) Most underrated player in the league?

“Ishy. Best shorty out there by far.”
“Kevin Vallilee. Best shortstop in the league.”
“Tyler! So damn light on his feet!!”

Kevin may be underrated on the ball field but having spent a weekend with him out at Namushka watching him slowly transform into Sweaty Old Whiskey Face, I can tell you that he’s overrated in the beer gardens. I would post some pictures of his epic performance from that weekend but I don’t want to shatter the innocent persona that Ish has worked so hard to create for himself.

As for twinkle-toes Ty, 9 K’s in 16 at-bats is not usually the kind of stat that you associate with an underrated player but perhaps it wasn’t his ball skills that got him this vote. What other areas are you underrated in Tyler?

He also received a vote in one other write-in category…

“Tyler Blewett best eyes!!!”

b) Most overrated player in the league?

The response to this question was unanimous amongst the ladies and included comments like:

“Biggest mouth in the league.”
“Seriously, someone needs to shatter his ego a bit, it’s far too big.”
“Sorry but it’s true.”

Congratulations Mr. Couvrette, you are officially considered the most overrated player in the league by the fans. And just so you know, your overratedness is not limited to just the fastball field. I polled a group of YKAFL fans on the most overrated football player in the league and your name came up time and again there too!! On the bright side, if everyone thinks you’re overrated, at least you’re making a name for yourself.

c) Most missed player that used to play in the league?

Once again the response to this question was unanimous amongst the ladies…

Hot Tony, the female fans are clamoring for your return to the league. At the very least do them the pleasure of stopping by the beer gardens this weekend for a nice cold beer and give the ladies some eye candy other than myself to look at.

16. Any advice for the players on how to get in your good books?

“I know when you guys are on deck you’re supposed to be ‘in the zone’ but if we are too busy making up nicknames or laughing at Mitch when he’s doing his stretches in front of us, or simply too busy drinking and we ask you the score or inning… DON’T IGNORE US!! We know you can hear us and we would like an answer!!”
“Some squats wouldn’t hurt anyone…”
“A sock stuffed down the front of those tight fitting pants would have any woman up and cheering for more from almost any guy! That is, until the pants come off. I’d hate to hear the heckling after that!”
“Will cheer for beer!!”
“First off, you can’t be a Pirate. None of them have a chance in hell.”
“Filling out those tight pants helps. Oh, and beer!!”

And with that, we end things off with the same themes that have been prevalent throughout the interviews: Beer, tight pants, and hatred for the Pirates. I have to give the Dirty Mitts credit for knowing what they like, and being consistent.

Well my loyal readers, there you have it, insight into the minds of YK fastball’s most eligible bachelorettes. I would like to thank the ladies for their time and honesty in answering my questions and I would encourage everyone on all teams (yes, even the Pirates) to buy these ladies a beverage or two if when you see them in the beer gardens this weekend. I’ll see everyone at the field this weekend for the Territorials but for now, I’m going to pick up some beers to hand out to the ladies and then find a sock or two to stuff my pants with…

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