By Dr. Rug
Good morning folks!!!
For those of you new to the league this season you have undoubtedly noticed the bevy of beautiful babes that show up night after night to watch us strut our stuff and, more importantly, wear our tight ball pants. These ladies are affectionately referred to by their fans as The Dirty Mitts and are amongst the most intelligent and knowledgeable of YK Fastball League fans. Given their extensive knowledge of the league along with their undeniable beauty and charm, I feel that it is my duty to spend some time each summer with these lovely ladies and get their opinions on everything related to the league. If you weren’t around last season, here is the result of my first interview with them that I did with them last summer. It should give you a little bit of a background into the Dirty Mitts (aka: DMs) and also provide you with a way to kill some time as you try and make it through your work week.
As you can see from the link, last year we covered the basics on how the DMs got into watching fastball and some of their favourite players and teams so let’s just jump right into the important questions this time around.
(Just like last year, any response in quotations is a direct quote from one of the DMs and anything not in quotations are comments written by yours truly).
*Editor’s note: I put Rug’s comment’s in italics as well, to make for an easy read. You’re welcome*
1. What’s your status these days? Are you single, dating, married, or other (please explain)?
“Single, no explanation needed!”
“I’m in a relationship… with a man who doesn’t play fastball!! I feel like a dirty cheater.”
Two thirds of the DMs are in relationships… that’s a sad state of affairs for all of us single fastball players. Ladies, you need to start recruiting some more single women to join this exclusive group!!
a. Has fastball influenced your love life at all over the past year?
“Game-changer. Those tight pants have been a definite ASSet to couples time between the sheets…”
“Not yet, however there is still a lot of season left for Fastball to influence my love life.”
“Most definitely affected by the ball season, if it wasn’t for those tight pants I don’t know if I would stick around!”
“Yes. Nothing significantly though.”
“You know, fastball has taught me a lot of very important life lessons. ie: being the biggest doesn’t always mean being the best, always carry spare TP, and last, but definitely not least, if you hang around long enough people will start to buy you beers.”
“How does everyone feel about a wedding at Tommy Forrest?”
“I don’t have one because of it. Ball season and I have a love/hate relationship as I think it gets more love than I do.”
Obviously fastball has played a huge part in the lives of most of these ladies… as it should.
As for the Tommy Forrest wedding, I see no reason why not? After partaking in the emotionally intense spreading of Burger Bob’s ashes in the outfield, a wedding would be a welcome change as the next big ceremony to take place at the field. The happy couple could even throw out the ceremonial first pitch of the game following the ceremony. Gibeau could work the grill for the wedding meal. And the Andrew Hunter could take over the microphone and belt out some sweet melodies for the first dance. It all sounds very beautiful.
2. How did you feel the reaction to last year’s Dirty Mitts article was from players, fans and other YK Fastball groupies?
“Well received last year. Also, thanks to Garrett Hinchey for removing the nasty ‘crabs’ comments on the forum!”
“I really thought that it was well received last year, until I read some interesting things about us on the Fastball Forum (i.e. crabs). It seems there are still some players out there that are a little hurt and maybe even jealous that they were not mentioned in the article. Or maybe they didn’t like what we wrote about them. However, whoever received the crabs was lied to and the chick you got with was not a DM. Sorry that they misled you in that fact. All DMs are STI free.”
“There’s bound to be some jealousy towards a group of girls this amazing. Who wouldn’t be jealous of our awesomeness?”
“I felt as though it was received well, I do however feel as though there are a number of jealous players out there. Please understand just because we haven’t shown you or your team any attention, there is no need to make false actuations of any DM’s having crabs. If you were so intoxicated, and their pick up line was ‘I’m a DM’ and you fell for it, well that’s your own fault for catching crabs. Any true DM knows that it’s not ethical to use her status as a DM as a pick up line. So no need to try and associate us with that trash.”
“I feel like royalty. Dirty royalty.”
Being the intrepid reporter that I am, I felt the need to follow up on some of the ladies claims and verify their statements. I can officially confirm that yes, all of the DMs are STI free.
Also, I have to say that I love the last quote there. Dirty royalty… it’s what every little girl dreams of being when she grows up!!!
3. Any thoughts to share with us about last year’s final? How did you feel about the tournament and the result?
“Tournament? Final? All I remember is the after-party at Healy’s!”
“I love me some HBC! But please, please make it to a final this year and win!”
“HBC needs to step it up and complete a tournament. They’re strong up until the finals and they begin to fall apart and can’t seem to finish.” (I’m pretty sure she’s just talking about fastball here…)
“Unfortunately I was out of town, however I did receive a picture of my BF motorboating my friends. So it must have been a good’er!!”
“Stop losing in the finals HBC!”
“I thought it was fantastic! Last year I was a devoted Slades fan and very pumped that they were able to pull out the win.”
This question session obviously took place before this year’s Territorial championship in Hay River which the HBC boys won with relative ease. In the process, avenging their previous tournament losses to Slades by knocking them out in the semis.
The after-party at Healy’s was pretty epic… I wonder what the chances of Lynda and Declan being out of town around that time are?
4. Have you changed your allegiance from your favourite team to any other teams? If so, what was the change and why? If not, have you been tempted at all?
“I have changed teams and am now a loyal O’s fan. I’m very pumped and excited to see this team progress in their first year together and I’m sure they will attack this year with vengeance. I was persuaded with swag to change teams.”
“Teams have tried to persuade me with swag… But I look best in maroon. “
“I have not changed my allegiance to the beautiful boys in blue, nor have I been tempted.”
“My allegiance remains to HBC.”
“I have great friends on other teams but during game time = friends off. Hell even some of the DMs are friends off during game time!”
“NEVER! HBC ALL THE WAY!”
“I’m still a proud supporter of HBC, even with the noticeable absence of my favourite moustached pitcher.”
“I was not feeling that Slades needed my cheering abilities nor wanted them and the O’s seem to like having fans in the stands cheering for them.”
Once again the Dirty Mitts are very split on their allegiances. Most teams have at least one supporter amongst the ladies… except of course for Scrub-Arctic.
I must admit, I’m very impressed with the loyalty that most of the DMs have. “Friends off” during game time, I like it. Although there is of course the exception who sold her loyalty for a kid’s jersey.
5. Are there any new players that have caught your eye this season?
“No new players are standing out to me in a good way. But Steve Robertson on the O’s PLEASE shut up. And who the hell is Pedro?” (We’ve all had our imaginary friends as children… some people just don’t grow out of this phase as quickly as others. Let Steve have his fun with his BFF ‘Pedro’ and let’s not shatter his precious innocence.)
“New players I would have to say Chris Cahoon seems like he will be a great addition to HBC.”
“Yeah actually! MadMit is lookin’ goooood. He has a babe of a gf, but I’m hoping that a fellow DM won’t mind sharing ;)”
“Although the question didn’t call for who we are excited to see out there, I must say it’s nice to see Lance in real life and not only in my recurring dream… ahhhh Matty Simms.”
“As for players that catch your eye – I wish that Orioles catcher would catch one in the chops.”
We get our first glimpse at the man who seems to be taking over as the newest target of the DMs… Mr. Steve Robertson!!! His name will pop up a few more times before we get through these questions.
Ok… Seriously??? MadMit is “lookin’ goooood”? At times, I question the sobriety of these ladies.
a. Or any players that you miss seeing out on the diamond?
“Hot Tony…what a disappointment not to see him on the field this year, he was always fun to watch purely for his hotness.”
“Hot Tony has disappointed us all with his lack of appearance on the ball field (we’d even settle for off appearances off the field). Recruit him to play again and you’ll see the DM’s out to games more often. Come on you owe us this favour!”
“Still missing Hot Tony… just saying, we are requesting some answers to his departure.”
“I miss James from Slo-pokes because he was hilarious on and off the field.”
Being the intrepid reporter that I am, I looked into the HT matter for the ladies. Please look for a follow-up story in the coming weeks.
6. We’ve had one beer gardens this season (the O-down) and most of you were notably absent. Was this a planned boycott of the league for some unknown slight or just a random coincidence?
“I was totally there.”
“Pure coincidence. As if I would miss a out on the beer garden without an extremely valid reason.”
“I was working early shifts during the tourney and two of my DMs were out of town which put a damper on things.”
“I would like to point out I was at the first tournament. I am a dedicated DM!!”
“I don’t feel like the DMs are fully appreciated, so, 1: Absence makes the heart grow fonder and, 2: You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone! You guys clearly miss us now, so the plan worked!”
“I really wanted to be there, because I love me some beer gardens, and it was my teams tourney to boot. However, I was unfortunately trying to talk my way out of jail that weekend and my charms took a few days to work their magic.”
Clearly, the earlier rumours that the DMs were fed up with fastball and were going on strike during the O-Down were just a vicious rumour. Hopefully they will all be present and accounted for at the year-end tournament next weekend.
7. Your detest and animosity towards the Pirates last season may have been a contributing factor in their demise. How do you feel about driving them out of the league?
As we sit here, clinking out glasses… “The saddest part of the Pirates demise is that Hot Tony doesn’t even have a team to show up to if he wanted to. “
“Good riddance! Their black and yellow outfits hurt my eyes.”
“Muuuueeeeelllllleeeerrrrrrrrr!!!! We miss you.”
“It seems unfortunate that pirates are no more, 1. Because we no longer have a collective team to diss, and, 2. So that there would be seven teams in the league. I’m not going to say that I’m sad not to see those ugly mustard jerseys on the field this year though.”
“Na Na Na – Na Na Na… hey hey hey… good bye!!!”
Not a whole lot of regret demonstrated by these ladies over the demise of the Pirates. They are vengeful and remorseless when it comes to fastball so watch what you say and how you act on the field (yes Scooter, I’m looking in your direction).
8. On that note, are there any teams in the league that should be wary of your wrath this season? Any new targets for your hate?
“Slades have to take all the heat now with the Pirates gone. Those guys win too much anyway.”
“I can honestly say there are no teams targeted for this year… but next year, watch out!!”
“The deserters will take some shit just for being deserters.”
“The Orioles being the new team on the field could be an easy target, however, we’ll give those boys a chance to impress.”
“I am still scoping out the Orioles. I really wanted to hate on them but they are proving to be a decent team with some nice guys too. They just need to get that catcher to keep it down.”
“As of right now, no one should feel safe. Except for my HBC, I got your back boys!”
“I haven’t been out to many games this year so I haven’t found a new ‘whipping boy’, but the O’s should look out!”
A couple of warning shots fired here but no real targets in the sights for the ladies. That’s probably a good thing for the league’s sake.
9. Garrett Hinchey, who was last season’s “least favourite player”, has notably toned down his chirping from first base this season. Do you feel responsible for this and has this changed your opinion of him at all?
“I feel entirely responsible. You’re welcome YK Fastball League!!”
“Not at all. It won’t last.”
“THANK YOU GARRETT!!!!!! Greatly appreciated”
“GH has toned it down thanks to the coaching of Ruggles.”
“As long as Hinchey is not on first, he is tolerable.”
“If we are responsible we should get a medal.”
“The other day when he was playing first… I had a flashback to last season.”
“I think that his non-chirping is a result of the absent Rug out on the pitchers’ mound.”
As some of the ladies so rightfully noticed, the coaching change from Darcy Moshenko to Mike Auge has done wonders for Garrett (and all of the Hincheys) in both on-field conduct and performance. I imagine that it is kind of like going from Romeo Crennel to Bill Belichick.
a. Who is your least favourite player this year?
“The 12-year old mouth piece on Pokes. STFU!” (Carter Stirling, I believe this refers to you)
“There is one person this year that has topped Garret and that is the catcher on Orioles.”
“I think it’s fairly clear who the DMs have chosen to hate on.”
“Steve Robertson has officially taken GH’s spot for ‘least favourite player’. Again, who is Pedro???”
“I don’t have a new least favourite… YET!!”
“Orioles backcatcher has caught our attention this season and not in a good way. I swear, even his pitcher gets annoyed sometimes and starts aiming for the guy in hopes that if he hits him, he’ll shut up.”
Hey Steve, welcome to Yellowknife!!!
10. With Mr. Mike Auge out with an injury, both the title of “Best Pitcher in the League” and “Best Hitter in the League” are now up for grabs. Who has your vote for each of these categories this season?
“Pitcher – I would like to say that I’m a big fan of Mitch Madsen he really knows how to throw a strike.”
“Pitcher – Mitch knows where to throw his balls.”
“Pitcher – Mitch I think? Nahhh, I’ll change that to Paul Gard. Paul is the best pitcher.”
“Pitcher – Gonna have to say MadMit.”
“Pitcher – Bruce Waugh”
“Hitter – I think Shep is definitely in the running for best hitter this year.” (I think someone has been watching too much slo-pitch and not enough fastball)
“Hitter – Hessy.”
“Hitter – Matty K seems to be out to impress this season.”
“Hitter – Matt Kennedy: I know he had the elusive golden sombrero the first game, but since then he’s really picked it up.”
“Hitter – I can’t stop thinking ‘Best Hitter-Onner’ and I would have to give that title to Tyler… Can I talk to you over there for a minute?”
“Coach – Ruggles”
Best Pitcher – Mitch 3, Paul 2, Bruce 1.
Best Hitter – Matty K 2, Hessy 1, Sheppy 1, Tyler Blewett 1*.
Best Coach – Ruggles 1.
Tune into this week’s Friday Yellowknifer to get the full rundown of who the best of the best has actually been this season.
11. Any new nicknames we should know about?
The DMs’ resident nicknamer is taking a hiatus this year to deal with her heartbreak over last season’s Diamondbacks loss in the final. Therefore, the DMs requested that this question be removed from the list out of respect for her period of mourning. Hopefully she will return with a vengeance next season.
We all miss you!!!
12. Any new crushes we should know about?
“It’s early, there’s still talent to check out and beer gardens to persuade us.”
“There has only been one beer gardens, give the DMs a little more time.”
“Yes… I mean no ;)”
“No, but my love for my fellow DMs grows every weekend.”
“Some of the DMs have a girl crush on Mrs. Primetime!!” (Didn’t you ladies read the Orioles Origins article? She’s not really Mrs. Primetime anymore.)
So… even though most of the DMs appear to be taken at this time, they still allow that given some time in the beer gardens you can work your way into their hearts. I expect all of the players to be buying all of the female fans beers during the year end tourney!!
Ladies, if I can personally get you anything, don’t hesitate to ask… unless you’re wearing Slades’ colours.
13. Any hook-ups with fastball players since we last talked?
“One guy is lucky enough to call me his.”
“Just my charming Slade.” (I really need to get myself some of what this DM is smoking… it’s got to be good if that passes for ‘charming’.)
“I would never kiss and tell!! JK… only in my dreams.”
That’s a lot of yeses. Nice work fellow players!!
14. What’s your most memorable moment of the season so far?
“Couvrette pissing off drunks in the beer gardens on weekday nights.”
“There was an epic woman that was very well dressed for the occasion, she and Couvrette got along famously and I believe she even shared a beer with him. She even gave us all a private show and the highlight was when we witnessed her stealing Scrub Arctic’s beer right out from under them and booking it across the street. Never to be seen again until next fast pitch tourney. (Fingers Crossed)”
“When the Sox beat HBC.”
“When Josh Brown went to bunt the ball and bagged himself.”
The Wednesday night drunk lady in the gardens and her interaction with Couvrette was ridiculously awesome. I also have to say that Primetime’s performance in dealing with the drunk after last Saturday’s matinees was equally awesome. Especially watching the drunk guy get hauled off in cuffs as we walked away drinking our beers.
15. Will you be making the trip down to Hay River for Territorials? If no, why not?
“Only if a VW van is provided as groupie transportation.”
“Already booked the time off work!”
“That is a negative; unfortunately this tourney coincides with one of my favourite YK weekends, Folk On The Rolks.”
“That depends, is someone going to save a seat in their lap for me?” (Yes. Definitely yes.)
“ This is sad to say but I am not. Can we please have the territorials back in Yellowknife next year?”
Yeah, I’ve been a little tardy in getting this article written. The responses were collected about a month ago and I’ve been slacking ever since. My apologies to both the ladies and my fans.
16. Let’s get some predictions for the second half of the season:
a. Territorial champs?
“What are the odds of Sub-Arctic winning? Is there a bookie I can talk to?”
2 out of 6 got it right.
Also, I realize that the response of ‘what are the odds of Sub-Arctic winning’ was likely meant to be sarcastic, but the funny part is that apparently, their chances of winning were better than the Orioles’ chances.
b. League champs?
“Orioles. (Those F*ckers)”
Right now it’s hard to say who the favourite is heading into the league championship. The Orioles are looking the best right now but tournament history is not in their favour. Slades has been looking sloppy as of late and Mitch has yet to round into the form we’ve seen out of him in years past (figuratively speaking. He has definitely “rounded” into form literally). HBC are the Territorial champs but they won’t have Paul chucking for them this tourney. Could the door possibly be open for someone like the Red Sox or Sub-Arctic to make a miracle run???
c. League MVP?
“Rug. Even without playing a single game.”
“Scooter. Hahahahahahaha… damn I’m funny.”
“Josh Brown. I heard he bagged himself while attempting to bunt?!!?!!
I have no idea what to make of this list of potential MVPs.
One player got kicked out of a game for arguing an obvious out call and almost made one of our few remaining umps quit. Another player has played all of one game this season (although the respect for his skill was obvious when he was intentionally walked in his second plate appearance of the year). A third player is known as Rally Killer. And the fourth guy is Josh Brown.
Can we just refuse to award an MVP this year?
d. Sexiest man in ball pants?
“True groupies believe all men are sexy in ball pants ;)”
“I haven’t seen Ryan Heslep out this year, but I can still picture him from last year, soooo…”
“#22 on HBC.”
“Pantie Soup.” (I’m not sure who exactly this is but I like the nickname)
Really? Mitch Madsen? All I want is a little honesty and objectiveness in the answers… is that too much to ask for???
e. Funnest man in the beer gardens at the year-end tourney?
“Andrew Hunter/Keegan Shea/Mitchell Madsen/Mike Auge. It’s a tie, deal with it!”
“Hunter is always there for entertainment.”
“Burger Bob’s son.”
“Andrew Hunter – we missed you at the Orioles Tourney.”
“Andrew Charles Hunter… was there ever any doubt?”
Hunter, the ladies have spoken. Your presence is required in the beer gardens for the year-end tourney.
f. Funnest lady in the beer gardens at the year-end tourney?
“The lady from Wednesday night.”
“The DM’s of course!!”
“It’s obviously going to be a DM.”
“My new pal/legend mentioned in question 14.”
“Tara Bromley and Mrs. Primetime.”
In all honesty, as long as the gardens are packed full of ladies for the year-end tourney, I’m sure we’ll all be having fun.
17. Last year you ladies had Ishii as the most underrated player in the league and Couvrette as the most overrated. Given the fact that Kevin has looked barely more than average so far this year and Couvrette has been playing well, have these opinions changed at all? Who are this year’s most over and underrated players?
“Too soon to say…”
“I was pleasantly surprised with the third base coaches running skill when I saw Mr. Healy actually hit AND make it to first without keeling over!”
“Underrated: I would say Glen from Inuvik.”
“Overrated: Couvrette. Although his getups are always quite entertaining, his play is not.”
“Overrated: Ryan Sheppard.”
“Couvrette is still the most overrated player. Hands down.”
“Most underrated player, RUSTY!!!!!”
Couvrette, you’re still raking in the votes for most overrated player. Maybe next year when your brother joins the league he’ll give you some competition for this award. The only thing more overrated than a Couvrette: another Couvrette!!!
As for the most underrated, I think the final answer there hit the nail on the head. Rusty!!!! You will be missed when you leave the league after this season Rusty. Thanks for being a key contributor to so many HBC titles. Hopefully we can win one more for you before you’re gone.
18. Unfortunately the fastball season only runs from June through August here in Yellowknife. What do you do for the rest of the year? Do you spend your time watching reruns of the games or are you a groupie of any winter sports leagues?
“I am a fan of watching hockey either NHL or YK Hockey. I’m a huge ACE fan and can be seen at their games, and especially at the Labatt’s beer gardens.” (I think it’s time you signed on as a part of the Ace Booster Club. We’re always looking for new members. If you’ve never heard of the ACE booster club, talk to me and I’ll fill you in on the details.)
“I also love hockey!”
“I love Easter purely because of the Labatt’s tournament and the beer gardens.”
“I make special appearances to the football and hockey games.”
“Hockey. Labatt’s is the best time of the year. 2013 A division champs!!!”
“I spend most of the winter wondering where Rick Morrison hibernates until ball season.”
The Easter tournament is a legendary time. I think that Sub-Arctic should hold next season’s Spring Training/scouting trip in the Easter Tourney beer gardens.
a. On a semi-related note, which YK Football team do you think I should sign with for the winter?
“I’m thinking you would handle yourself well on Fire Prevention. They would be lucky to have you Ruggles.”
“I’ve never been to a YKAFL game or beer gardens. I’m hoping that the appearance of Ruggles on the Astroturf will drag me into yet another garden that I don’t reeeeeally need to be in.”
And with that, my agent will now be listening to offers from any YKAFL teams that are looking to add a Calvin Johnson-esque player to their roster for this season.
The ladies really went wild with this next question so I’m just going to let them take it away…
19. What song would be your theme song when you came up to bat if you were playing in the league?
“Chariots of Fire”
“We Didn’t Start the Fire – Billy Joel for all the Dirty Mitts”
“I Like Big Butts”
“Wild Thing – for all the DMs”
“Batter Up – Nelly ft. St. Lunatics… but that seems a little cliché doesn’t it?”
a. Also, are there any songs that you think are perfect fits for any of the players in the league?
“Baby Got Back. Just loop it…”
“You took the words right out of my mouth – Meatloaf for Garret Hinchey”
“Primetime – I’m So Excited”
“Ryan Strain – Old Man by Neil Young”
“Ryan Heslep – I’m Too Sexy”
“Couvrette – Ego by Beyonce”
“Couvrette – You’re So Vain”
“Hot Tony – Sex is on Fire”
“Ryan Thiel – U + Ur Hand by pink”
“Blewett – Call Me Maybe”
“Josh Brown – Because I Was High”
“Joey Borko – Creepin’ by Eric Church”
“Scrub-Arctic – No Scrubs”
“Sub- Arctic – We’re here for a good time, not a long time, Trooper”
“Mitch – Famous in a Small Town, Miranda Lambert”
“Mitch – So Emotional, Whitney Houston”
“Rick Morrison – Drink In My Hand, Eric Church”
“Lance – The Gambler, Kenny Rogers”
“Bruce Waugh – Hit Me With Your Best Shot”
“Matt Kennedy – Pearl Necklace, ZZ Top”
“Steve Robertson – Rambling Man”
“Andy-Bye (from Meghan) – Lost in Love, Air Supply”
“Mrs. Primetime – Foxy Lady” (I wholeheartedly agree with this selection)
“Skauge – Southern Man”
“Jared – Dude Looks Like a Lady” (If you’ve seen the picture, you’ll understand the reference)
“Flo Rida – Dream Weaver”
“Carter – Like a Virgin”
“Roady – Run Like Hell, Pink Floyd”
“The MacNeil brothers – Little Sister, Dwight Yoakam” (Ok, I might have added this one in myself. Hi Reilly!!!)
“The Hincheys – 2 Out of 3 Ain’t Bad, Meatloaf”
*Editor’s note: Clearly, the 2 out of 3 are myself and Brent, while the 3rd, bad one, is an amalgamation of the Coustom brothers.*
“Regina – The Shocker, Steel Panther”
And on that note, we’ll move on to the next question.
20. Ok, I’ve been asked this question a few times by some of the ladies in my life so for their sake I have to ask… how does one get invited into the exclusive club that is The Dirty Mitts? And is there some sort of secret ritual you have to perform to become a member?
“You have to be able to be one of the guys, but most importantly be one of the girls. Know you’re drinking limits, keep it classy don’t go throwing punches. Rack up a tab, but yet pay for the tab. And maybe we’ll show you the secret hand shake.”
“No ritual, but we would appreciate an annual membership fee that the Pioneer DMs can use for things such as: beers, beer garden tickets, and a new pair of blue pants.”
“Be able to pick up the tab, or the girl who drinks too much on that tab.”
All you wanna-be DMs out there take notes. I expect to see some Dazed and Confused type hazing going on next preseason of all the ladies trying to get into the DMs!!
(For the record, I have insider knowledge that some of the current DMs have paddles similar to the Dazed & Confused ones and they know how to use them!!!)
Well, we’ve come to the end of this year’s Dirty Mitt questionnaire. I hope you’ve all learned a little bit more about the complex, entertaining, beautiful ladies that make up our leagues most hard-core group of fans.
See you all at the year-end tourney!!!